New Baby Fears

The birth of our new little baby is near and this blog wouldn't be complete without a post on the things I fear at this stage of the game. It is strange to  think how something so exciting and wonderful can be scary at the same time. One difference I have noticed though between this pregnancy and last with Paulo, is that my fears are completely different. Of course the only one in common in both occasions is the fear that I will not have time for anything and "when will I have time to get things done??" . However, before Paulo I had no idea what this really meant (I could not even imagine what it would be like to ACTUALLY have no time); and as my sweet husband simply put it in pure mathematical terms, if you divide ZERO time by 2, it is still ZERO. This surprisingly does give me a bit of relief, ha!

 

 

But all jokes aside, I mostly remember being fearful of what kind of mother I would be once I had my baby. I remember dreaming horrible things like forgetting to change the baby's diaper for days, or forgetting to feed him until he became a tiny little microscopic creature (freaky!!) or crying over something I had screwed up in my dream. I was just so scared that I wasn't up for the challenge. In that respect, this time around I have no fear at all. In any case, that is one of the only things I feel confident about-- knowing exactly what kind of mother I am (for the most part, anyway), what kind of mother I want to be and more or less what it takes to become that (in theory anyways). I feel pretty certain that this baby will have all the love in the world and though I may be imperfect (very imperfect sometimes), my love and the love of our family and those who surround us should help us give this baby a very happy life.
 

That being said, one always fears the unknown and as such, this time I have a very concrete list of what I am affraid of for the future.

FEARS

 

1. One that is just hanging off the top of my head is around night time dynamics. Specifically Paulo's current bedtime routine. Not only does the little guy want ME (not daddy) to put him in bed every night, but I actually have to lie  with him for sometimes up to 1 hour until he falls asleep. If I try sneaking away while is still not fully asleep, he will grab me and literally tell me to put my head on the pillow, and we start over again. What is worse, for the last month or two he has gotten into the habit of waking up in the middle of the night, EVERY SINGLE NIGHT to wake me up and pull me over to his bed. Once I get there I am too tired to wait for him to fall back to sleep, so I just end up staying in his bed for the rest of the night. This, however, is not going to be possible once the baby is born and I am not sure how that is going to work....

 

2.  Another sort of general fear is how our family dynamics will change. I know that when Paulo was born I was expecting Rob's and I's marriage dynamics to change. But this time there is 3 of us whose world is about to be rocked, and I am just a bit conerned that now Rob will have to be a lot more involved in the hands-on parenting role, how Paulo will react to not being the "center of the universe" anymore, and how well I will cope with the two kids while Rob is busy at work. This last part takes me to the next fear.

 

 

3. The fear of being a full-time, stay at home mom. When I had Paulo in 2010, I went on Maternity Leave for 12 months as is the norm here in Alberta/Canada. Man, that year was tough!! Of course I was a first time mom and I think that adds a whole other level of difficulty to the game. But being a full-time mom, a stay at home mom, is such a hard job! At times I felt so isolated and so alone, overwhelmed and helpless whenever Paulo cried to the top of his lungs for no apparent reason , and felt so exhausted whenever Rob was away on a work trip and I was stuck with this new baby 24/7 all by myself, especially since I had almost no family here. Having gone back to work, although it was only part-time, made things so much easier for me in that sense. And although I do wish that I was able to stay at home and take care of Paulo myself, I do recognize that getting out every day, talking to other adults and having some ME time (even if it is work), is so much easier than taking care of a child all day. This time though, I will be staying at home with the little ones for at least a few years, until they are old enough to go to school and we can AFFORD for me to go back to work (well, this is really only one reason to stay at home and hot the most important one for me, but go into detail for now).  Although I do believe that kids give you an instant connection to other moms and they really push you to go out, do things and meet other moms/kids, I am a little worried of what my life will be like this time around.

4. One not-so-terrible fear is wondering if I will have the time to dedicate to this baby as much time and energy as I did with Paulo. Just reading this line out loud almost makes me want to laugh at the obvious answer. Of course this poor baby just won't have that same privilege. But to what extent? With Paulo I really made an effort to give him everything I had to give him all my attention and to develop his mind and body as much as possible. I read a lot on what stage of development he was supposed to be in, and came up with all kinds of activities for him, including taking him to swim classes, etc. Now I fear that time will slip by and I won't have time to try as hard to teach baby new skills. I hope this does not stay as a worry and I can actually come up with ways to teach this baby as much as I did Paulo.

5. My last fear is I think related to my 2nd and 3rd fear, and that is losing my personal identity a little. I definitely felt that the first year with Paulo. I think it is so difficult to keep life balanced and not get completely sucked into the mom life 100%. I acknowledge this is easier done by some mom's than others. But to put it in Rob's words, I am very "mom centric", my children are definitely my number 1 priority and it actually takes me some effort to dedicate time to my hobbies, my friends, and even my health because I am so focused on what my kids and family "need". So alhtough I think it might be hard to step out of the house and leave dad with both kiddos and say "good luck and see ya later!", for my own sake and my family's I hope I'll get better at that. Who knows, maybe with 2 kids I will be screaming for this! ha!

I am glad to see that all my fears could be narrowed down to only 5. And thank goodness, none of these fears are anything really serious. I imagine most people share at least some of these and they just have to cope. So, in a sense, I find some relief in thinking these issues will have to sort themselves out, one way or another... we will find out soon!

37 weeks and counting.

Christmas came and went this week and it's hard to believe I am already at 37 weeks in this pregnancy (!!!). Right before Christmas Paulo got really sick with a nasty cold and cough. He had really high fever for a day and completely refused to play (he would cry if I tried to do anything other than lying down or watching videos), spent all his awake time watching the Winnie The Pooh movie over and over again, refused to eat or drink ANYTHING (even his milk, which he loves), and spent much of the day sleeping for hours. I was very worried about him, as I had not seen him like that except for maybe once or twice in his 2 years... I made sure he drank as much liquids as possible, even if that meant having a tiny sip of water every few hours or try as hard as I could to have him eat some apple sauce, yoghurt or even ice cream... anything that would get some liquids into him. It was really hard to watch him feel so crappy, but fortunately by the end of the day, after all that sleep, he did eventually have a big bottle of milk -- HUGE relief. The next morning he woke up feeling and looking sick, but much better. He is still a bit sick now, but fortunately he recovered quite well. His appetite is ssssloooowly coming back and he is definitely back to his playful self. The bad news is that now of course Rob and I are pretty sick ourselves with the same nasty bug. I was pretty sure I was going to get it (as always happens whenever Paulo comes down with something), so I figured I would embrace the illness and hurry up and get it over with, instead of delaying it until I have this baby. The LAST thing I need is to feel miserable with a cold in the middle of labour :S.

On the positive side, it was great to be able to stay at home for a few days and catch up on all those errands I was struggling to get done. We finally managed to settup the baby's crib in our room, settup some plastic drawers on the side to keep diapers and other supplies handy, organize the baby's clothes in the closet, pack the back up suitcase in case we need to go to the hospital, and a big plastic bin with all the supplies for the home birth. I even managed to do a bit of tidying up in our storage room and cleared out lots of toys to donate.

And then there was Christmas. This year we had a very quiet Christmas at home with Paulo's Nana. She came over for breakfast and spent the whole day at home with us (it was -30C outside all week, so the thought of going outside for walks or playing in the snow didn't even cross our minds). We spent all day opening the presents, playing with Paulo's new toys and preparing our first, very own turkey dinner, which turned out great. 

As for the presents, this year we decided that rather than getting individual gifts for each other we would get one big family present, which this year would be a tablet. For us two it would be just a toy, since we already have smartphones and a laptop. However, we thought it would be great for Paulo especially, as he could play some age appropriate games in it, watch YouTube videos, and most importantly, play with it when we travel to Mexico in March (and keep our sanity on the airplane!). It actually took us a long time to decide to go ahead and buy the tablet, as we had concerns of Paulo being too young to handle and/or play with a tablet . We certainly didn't want him to be glued to the thing all day, which happens sometimes with our cellphones. So one rule strict we did come up with was to never allow the tablet to be used during meals, and also to limit the time he spends in front of that screen. We also got some fun stocking stuffers for each other. I got some small camping gadgets for Rob from his favourite store, Mountain Equipment Coop; he got me some treats that I love (candy, fine cheeses, magazines, etc) and we also got Paulo some books from the Mr and Miss series that he loves. Paulo got lots of presents from his Nana and grandparents in Mexico, and other members of the family. As always, it was the most fun watching him play with his new toys, the big winner being his washable Crayola felt pens.

 

Paulo playing with his new Crayola markers

 

 

Playing with Melissa and Doug's train sound puzzle

 It was a great, very laid back week for our family and it was just nice spending so much time together, especially with Rob, who has been working really hard in the last few months.

Paulo and Rob reading

Fortunately, he has been off work for that and this week, and although I had to be back for my last couple of days at work before I go on Maternity Leave, it has made things much easier to have him around at home to help out with making breakfast and lunches in the morning.



   I can now focus on enjoying the last few days of my working, professional life, and move on to the next chapter of my life: becoming a full-time, stay at home mom. Wish me luck!

36th week and Christmas.

I am now on my 36th Week! wow... yesterday I went to the store and realized that the milk I bought expires on my due date! that is so bizzare, and just makes me realize how close I am to having a baby and simultaneaously having my life turned upside down. I keep focusing on the due date, but really it could be pretty much any time now, which is incredibly scary.

Of course I am anxious to meet the new baby and all that comes with that, but I just feel like there is this endless list of things to do before that happens. In case you haven't noticed, I AM PANICKING. I remember having this exact same feeling when Paulo was about to be born two years ago. I started my mat leave and I had this endless list of errands, and kept adding more and more items and falling further and further behind as days went by. Somehow, in my mind, I kind of expect life to stop so I can get ready and have my baby, and then enjoy this calm air of nothingness around me while I hold my baby for the first weeks or months. Yeah, like that will happen!

 

On the very contrary, I started my vacation and then mat leave last week and I see the same history repeating. Endless to do's to cross off, which not only never happens, but I keep adding more and more random things that appear out of the blue and need to be solved. It does not help that it is only 1 week before Christmas, and I am definitely not where I should be in terms of Christmas preparations at this point.

 

I have yet to buy a bunch of stocking stuffers for Rob and Paulo, my mother-in-law's Christmas present, and choose a turkey recipe for my first turkey EVER, which ideally I would already have so I could start shopping groceries and making things ahead. Oh, and of course on top of that preparing all the supplies I need for the home birth, digging out all the baby clothes, organizing and making space for them in Paulo's closet, wash and hang all the new clothes, set up the crib, etc etc (did I mention choosing a baby name?????). Of course none of this important stuff ever gets done because every plan gets interrupted by some last minute social engagement or other minor urgencies that come up every day, for example going to get mouse traps because we just found out we have mice in the house (did I mention I am panicking??), trying to free a bird from the fire place all morning, driving to get my husband his work stuff, which he left at home when he left in a rush.... oh, and of course, blogging (well, this may be the only enjoyable thing I have actually done for myself since I've been at home). Anyone panicking with me yet?

 

Anyway, I just realized I have ranted about this for almost a whole page so I better start writing something a little more positive. Actually, despite all the craziness, this Christmas has brought some magic in my life and my family's. Not only does this time of year inevitably bring me back to the memories of when Paulo was born and our first few days/ weeks/ months with him, but now it offers a whole new meaning with the new baby arriving soon. Having Paulo and now this baby makes Christmass all that important and much more of a big deal. Paulo is now old enough that he gets excited about the Christmas tree, he is curious about Nativity and likes Santa Claus. And then there is  actually dedicating some time to being grateful and realizing how fortunate we are to have  family and friends, health, happiness, a good life, and even more fortunate that we know to be grateful and to be able to see all the good things we have in life. 



Is that excitement or what??



The Nativity Scene

Waiting for baby!

Birthday #2

Happy Birthday #2 Paulo!!! Since you arrived, there has been nothing more important to me than putting a smile on your little face, and being worthy of that smile. You have made my heart explode with happiness on a daily basis, and have made me love you even more when I didn’t think it possible. You have made me experience life for the first time all over again. I love you and what you have done to my life so much. Feliz Cumpleanios enano!!

 



March 2012 in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico

 It was Paulo's 2nd Birthday last week and we had two small celebrations, one before his birthday with my friends and their babies , and then one on the day of his Birthday with Rob's family. Paulo had tons of fun at both of them, mainly just playing with balloons which are his all time favourites. It has been one week since his last party and he is still obsessed with the only surviving helium balloon :).

 

Thanks to all the preparation that comes with birthday parties I had no time to think about what it felt like to have my first born turning 2. But now that the wirldwind is starting to quiet down (although not completely due to a very busy Holiday Season), I can't help but think... holy cow! 2 whole years have gone by since that first night we finally had our little baby in our arms...

 

Once again one of the things that amazes me as a parent is all the changes that a little baby goes through in two years. Paulo has not only become a whole different person physically, but he has developed his own personality in this short but busy time of his life. Not to mention, I myself have gone through my own transformation, just thinking about the type of person I had no idea I would become once I became a mother.

 



Paulo's 1st Year Photobook from Picaboo.

Since Paulo turned 2, I feel like he looks different to me just knowing that he is no longer a little baby. Not only is he officially a TODDLER, but he is becoming a little boy. I can't put my finger on it, but just looking at the new skills he has acquired, the confidence he has in his movements, his learning to communicate and make his own choices are just some of the constant reminders of how fast he is growing. Thankfully, I will not completely forget about this stage since I have accomplished at least my most important New Years resolution from 2011-- to finish Paulo's 1st Year Photo Book before his birthday (or before the 2nd baby was born). I am clearly very proud of myself considering the amount of time and effort it took me to get this done. I got it on a discount from Picaboo, which made it so much easier to design it than it would have been to do everything manually, which was the original plan. I am pretty happy with the result and hope one day he will be too.