I am now 39 weeks pregnant and our baby is almost here. It is so surreal to think that in a little bit more than 2 weeks we will have a baby no matter what. At this point, i am feeling pretty good considering I am 20 kgs above my normal/starting weight. I am having a hard time moving around, as it feels like my belly gets in the way of everything. It is hard to get up, hard to sit down, and hard to get comfortable in pretty much any position. This has not affected my ability to sleep though, which I think is a nice perk of being pregnant for the second time -- I'm always so exhausted I sleep no matter what!
So the countdown to my due date begins here. The thought of a new baby arriving never leaves my mind and I am in a constant state of body awareness reading every signal in my body, trying to decipher whether gas, tiredness, kicks, itches, etc etc are anything related to signs of labour. Then I remind myself that Paulo was 10 days late and born the day I was meant to be induced, so I should not hold my breath for my due date this time.
Other than those thoughts, I also find myself a bit nostalgic about this moment in my life. It is very likely that this is the last time in my life I will be pregnant. Very likely, the last time I carry a life inside of me. The last time I feel those kicks. The last time I hear that wonderful sound of a heartbeat that has the power of silencing the entire world for a moment. You have no idea how sad these thoughts make me...
The funny thing is that I was always so sure that I wanted to have only 2 children, and I was so okay with that. And then came Paulo. Being pregnant with him was such an amazing experience (not to mention anything that happened after), that I really felt it was one of the best times of my life by far. Then I started thinking very differently and by the time we were expecting this baby, I was totally hooked on pregnancy and babies. I really felt I couldn't imagine my life not ever being pregnant again, not ever holding a new baby again, not ever giving my heart away again for the third, or fourth time....
I had this conversation with Rob, and he actually felt very differently, in that he still thinks 2 is the perfect number and he actually cannot imagine himself (or me for that matter!!) taking care of 2 or 3 more kids, unless we win the lottery and can have an army of nannies to help with everything from cleaning the house to changing babies in the middle of the night. It doesn't surprise me that he feels that way, considering 1. He is a male and the whole pregnancy experience is very different for him, and 2. he is in the end stuck with the financial responsibility of taking care of this family (mainly because of the traditional roles most of us have grown up with- even if we dont necessarily think like that 100%), especially while I am not working.
I have given this whole thing some thought and sadly, I have to admit that even though I value family much more than I do economic status or material goods, I still think that in our position it would be very difficult to have a big family. I think about things that we enjoy in life besides children, for example traveling, and how difficult it would be to do that with a big family. I can definitely not imagine giving that up, and one of my dreams is precisely traveling with our kids one day and showing them the world, exposing them to other cultures and have new experiences together, just like my parents did with my sister and me. And thinking about doing that with a family of 6 or more is not only a financial impossibility for us, but would probably be a logistical nightmare. Add to that other things such as attending sports camps, hobbies, and yes... education. I guess all this burst my bubble and brought me back to reality: this might very well be my last pregnancy/ baby EVER. But hey, who knows....tomorrow i'll buy myself a lottery ticket and maybe I'll get lucky :) .
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