Mother's Guilt.

Well, the 2nd week after Emi's birth was... challenging. To say the least. The reason being that Paulo has been a complete MONSTER for the whole week. I mean, Paulo has just turned two, and granted, he's been sick with a bad cold (for the millionth time) and had pink eye, and stopped going to daycare (which he loved) ... oh, and yes, he also just got a little brother and got his world turned upside down. So I understand he has had enough reasons to be grumpy, angry, rebellious, whatever. But seriously, is this behaviour normal??? He has turned the word "NO" into pretty much all the vocabulary he has used in days. And when he doesn't get his way (which is whatever the opposite is of what we ask or want) he just fully BLOWS UP. And by blow up I mean scream and cry, bites his own hand, throws himself on the floor and looses control for waaay too long. Like, I think he forgets what he's fussing about and there is no stopping him, convincing him, bribing him, or ANYTHING one can do to calm him down.

 

Whenever he has done this at home it is not such a big deal, since once we realize there is literally nothing we can do to calm him down we just let him be and walk away until he is ready for a hug or a cuddle and slowly comes back to normal. However it just terrified me to think he could pull one of these when I took him out with the baby and then what would I do?? well, soon enough it happened, and it wasn't pretty.

 

Our day was going so well. I had managed both kids at breakfast pretty much on my own. Managed to put them both down for naps. And then came the afternoon. I felt pretty confident that I could take them both to the park by myself. The day was warm and sunny, they were both well rested. Well, to make the long story short, we made it to the park with smiles on our faces, Emi wrapped up in the sling and Paulo in his balance bike. And then hell broke lose. I will not waste time on the details (I think it still makes me sweaty to remember it), but basically it finished with me trying to drag Paulo across the street on our way back home, with the baby in the sling, the bike in one hand and a fighting Paulo on the other. He eventually threw himself on the ground in front of me, I tripped on him, slipped in the ice, and fell flat on my front. Yes, with the baby wrapped on me. Needless to say, the baby hit himself in the ice, squealed in horror, and I was so terrified at what happened that I don't even want to remember whether I really landed on top of the baby or not. I was so scared to think the baby might be hurt, and soooo increadibly angry at Paulo for causing that. I got up in tears, left the bike where it was, and just grabbed Paulo by the wrist (he was still in full on tantrum mode, screaming and crying) and pretty much dragged him home.

 

 

The little daredevil on his balance bike - pre-tantrum.

Once we got home I checked Emi, who had stopped crying, and couldn't see anything obviously wrong with him, so I calmed down a bit that he wasn't hurt. But man, that scene was just.not.pretty. Paulo was still going insane, and probably was scared because of what happened too. But I was totally shaken, and I felt guilty too. I know that part of me acting that way was because I thought Emi could be hurt. But I also recognize that I completely lost my cool and that I had never acted so desperate and angry at Paulo before... I don't think. He just got the worst of me and I keep wondering if there was anything I could have done to handle things differently...

 

The truth is, I felt (and still feel) really guilty for what happened. Paulo is only 2, he is going to a great deal of changes and I think I have to really understand that and be SUPER EXTRA patient with him. I really do think my children are such amazing, precious gifts of God, and although partly justified because I DO have to discipline him and I should not give in to that behaviour (especially if it puts any of us in danger), that is not the way to handle such a precious gift. And to add to that, I fell really, really short from the type of mother I'd like to be.

 

Eventually Paulo got over the tantrum and we huged and kissed and I tucked him to bed and we were back to normal. But my scar was still there and the whole thing just had me really upset. At the end of the day, I felt so emotionally drained... all I wanted to do was to go to bed and start from zero again the next day.

 

The last few days I have been trying my best to just avoid tantrums as much as possible and give Paulo as much attention as I can. I think he has improved a little and although he has still had a tantrum pretty much every day, it has been at most one and they haven't been such massive meltdowns.

 

However, that feeling from the other day has still managed to linger, and that just adds up to the guilt I feel for not being able to give Paulo 100% of my attention anymore, and to have to split myself between him and his little brother. Funny, how a mother decides to give her first born a brother so they can have each other's back in life, and this very thing that you are doing, partly to make him a happier human being, sometimes ends up making you feel like you are falling short as a mother... Mother's guilt I guess... and this is just the beginning.Sigh....