My Baby Book List

What does a mother do when she needs to raise a baby in a new city, away from her mother, her family or any close friends known to her? She reads books. And that is what I did when I had Paulo and with him came all those questions that keep a mother awake at night and eat her alive during the day.

Ideally, I think I should have read these books before I had my babies. Some parents seem to have it together and know what kind of parent they will be or what kind of parenting philosophy will guide them through thick and thin. I didn't. I had no clue there were even parenting philosophies. I thought parenting was parenting and that was it. Oh boy was I ever wrong.

From the list I came up with below, one can see that I found my comfort in Attachment Parenting. These books below are not all the books I've read, but they are those that resonated with me and made a lot of sense. And through those books I sort of navigated my way to all the others. Now I find that these are sort of my rocks, my solid foundations. Have a look:

The Baby Sleep Book - Dr. William Sears - pretty much Im a fan of Dr. sears, just become Attachment Parenting resonates so much with me and who better to learn from that a man with all the professional experience, plus, lots of kids and a wonderful family to back the theory. I loved the Sleep Book though because in a world ( or society?) where there is so much pressure to let baby cary-it-out like its the only way and to become a detached parent, and a world which is filled by books written by quacks with no real research or data to back their advice, this book sounded so non-judgemental to me and at peace with my feelings as a mother and baby. Simply loved it.

The Fussy Baby Book - Dr. William Sears - similar as the above, except this one I found very useful

when I had Paulo, because he seemed to be so high needs.

The No Cry Sleep Solution, Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night - Elizabeth Pantley    - Excellent read, I think self described as a compromise between Dr. sears's " martyr" approach and something different. Not crying it out. At the time it felt like it didn't ally offer me a solution to a baby who never slept through the night, but looking back I think Pantley does offer some good, gently, baby friendly tips.

Diaper Free: The Gentle Wisdom of Natural Infant Hygiene - Ingrid Bauer - this book was my

BIBLE for Elimination Communication. I cant say how much I loved this book. It is written very clearly, uses examples, describes the process step by step. It is just an excellent book for people interested in EC.

The Happiest Toddler on the Block- Dr. Harvey Karp - i enjoyed this book and definitely gave me

some useful pointers and information. More than anything, i loved the leads I got for other gat books from its resources. It is also a very gently book that really urges you to be patient and understand how a toddler's mind works. It felt to me that a lot of this advice sort of comes from personality- clearly he is very good with kids and I feel like it could be hard to mimic that, but nonetheless a great resource.

Our Babies, Ourselves: How Biology and Culture Shape the Way We Parent- Meredith F. Small - this is by far, THE BEST, AWESOMEST, MOST INTERESTING, FASCINATING book I've ever read. It is not a how-to book, and my husband even called it "obscure" and "ivory tower". And it does talk a lot about the science behind babies behaviour and development, from evolution to biology to anthropology. There is a lot of talk about primates and species and cultures around the world and how they raise their babies and why. But that's what I loved about this book. Even though it is not meant to teach parents how to parent, through scientific facts it becomes very obvious that western parents are for the most part...well... Screwing up big time. If you are considering letting your baby cry it out, feeding him on schedule, putting him to sleep alone in his own room, after reading this book you would have to be either really ignorant, really selfish, or I dont know what to still do it. And although it is all based on science, it is very easy to read and just captivating.

Sleeping with Your Baby: A Parent's Guide to Cosleeping - Dr. James J. McKenna is the world's most knowledgeable sleep guru. He is the head of a mother-and-baby sleep research facility in Montreal, which makes him pretty much an authority in the baby sleep department..ummm quite literally. So, if you are going to read a book about baby sleep, why not read a book that contains the actual truth about what is best for baby?? Don't read something just because it makes you feel better about using a method that makes you feel like you are doing something wrong or you are being mean to your baby. If you feel like you are doing something wrong or bad to your baby, chances are, you are. So, read this and people who work with this man. And forget what the rest of the world (including you mom!) says.

Beyond The Sling - Mayim Bialik PHD - This book just blew my mind. It is centered around Attachment Parenting and portrays what the life of one Attached Parent looks like. Now, I know Mayim has sadly gotten divorced recently, and this kind of puts a huge question mark on this book. That's not to say we should question Attachment Parenting, in my opinion. A parenting philosophy itself does not make people get divorced. And divorce issue aside, I still respect Mayim Bialik immensely for being an amazing example of somebody who "walks the talk" on all aspects of her life. Anyway, I think what she writes in this book of course, like any other book written by someone who's intimate life we don't really know, should be taken with a grain of salt. But I reiterate, in my opinion, this book is good stuff.

Baby-Led Weaning: The Essential Guide to Introducing Solid Foods - and Helping Your Baby to Grow Up a Happy and Confident Eater -  Tracey Murkett, Gill Rapley - This book is about a different feeding method for introducing your baby to solid, alternative to the typical purees that we are all used to. I am just going to say two things: First, this book makes sense because it is what many people in the world do, or used to do when we didn't have any blenders, Nestle rice cereal and baby magic bullet. Second: I tried the traditional method with my first son, and this method with my second son. My Second son at 9 months old is such an amazing independent eater it is not even funny. Having basically the same diet, it is amazing how much Emilio LOVES food with a passion, and how much he enjoys sitting down to eat. And I mean, Paulo was a great eater and still eats pretty well. But the difference is incredible in terms of what a better eater Emilio is.

 

 

And that is all sofar, I still have some great books in my future list, so I hope I will be writing about those soon!

Diaper-Free Emilio

In my last post I mentioned I had started Emilio's early potty training. Also, in one of my early posts I talked about how I started Elimination Communication with Paulo and how it progressed. It was my first time with Paulo and in hindsight, I am amazed at how easy that went. Granted, there have been a few set-backs and for example Paulo has started to pee at night and during naps again, which he wasn't doing anymore at 1 year of age. I am not sure why this happened, but I figure for him to be fully potty trained except for his sleeps at 2 years of age (and even 1 year of age) it is still pretty good. Paulo was never been afraid of the toilet, never refused to go to the bathroom, I had never struggled to try to have him potty trained drastically over one weekend, or had gone through any of the horror stories that I've heard about traditional potty training. Everything had worked so nicely and seemed so natural and seamless, that I couldn't imagine doing it differently with my next baby.  I would definitely try it again the next time around.

 

So, when Emilio was born, I immediately started paying attention to his bowel movements, his signals (such as his gestures, his breathing, and cries) and his patterns when I knew he was going bathroom. Still, I wanted to wait a while before starting for several reasons. Partly because it is such a shock when you have a child, that there is a lot to adjust to before even thinking about potty training, at least for me. Then there was our trip to Mexico, which sort of made it difficult to have a routine or take the time to observe Emilio or to be patient when taking him to the bathroom. By the time we came back from our vacation, I brought out the cloth diapers and started putting everything in practice again.

 

The very first time I took Emi bathroom, I waited for him to wake up from a nap. He had nursed before the nap, so I knew he would need to go. I used an empty margarine container to put under him and held him in the squatting position with his back and head against me. And wouldn't you know it, it worked! Then I tried it again about 10-15 minutes after nursing him and it worked again. At the beginning I had several misses, mainly because once again I was second guessing my hunches about him needing to go bathroom, but once I made a conscious effort to trust my instincts (i.e. if I heard him making grunting sounds I would just go for it), we started having less misses, until we started having entire days without any poopy diapers -- I should actually specify that although Emi does pee when I take him bathroom, at this point I am focusing more on the poops than the pees. This makes the cloth diapering process so much easier and I don't have to spend the entire day in the bathroom!

 

I am so amazed at how easy it seems this time around. It has definitely become second nature to me, and again I feel like I just cannot imagine doing this any other way. I just can't imagine letting the baby deliberately poop himself when you know that is happening, and just ignoring it like it is something he has to get used to!

One thing I have often read as criticisms for EC is that people don't have the time because they work, or they think it is just something for stay at home mom's to do. Granted, I did start ECing with Paulo when I was on mat leave, but it certainly didn't take me the whole year to get started. It probably took me about a month after starting to have a solid grasp of it. Also, I went back to work part-time and we still managed to do it. I was lucky to find a day home where the caregiver was supportive in that, once Paulo was going bathroom at regular intervals and could stay dry without a safety diaper, she was willing to take him potty every hour, even if he didn't really let her know he had to go. But I still disagree in that this is something that only moms staying at home can do. Children are so smart, if moms make the effort to take them when they are around, then a child will not forget what he needs to do. I think this is why EC is so different from potty training: it just sort of naturally happens, and it is not something that is forced on the child over a limited period of time with  an outcome that has to be either a pass or a fail.

 

We will see how this keeps progressing but I'm definitely glad that everything is working so well. Emilio looks happy and I love the feeling of looking at the baby and understanding each other, and knowing that HE KNOWS we are communicating. We will see where this road takes us this time!

A Road Less Travelled

One of the things I have a lot to talk about is Elimination Communication and the role it has played in P.s upbringing as well as my life as a mother. For those who are not familiar with Elimination communication, Wikipedia defines it as the following:

"Elimination communication (EC) is a practice in which a caregiver uses timing, signals, cues, and intuition to address an infant's need to eliminate waste. Caregivers try to recognize and respond to babies' bodily needs and enable them to urinate and defecate in an appropriate place (e.g. a toilet). Caregivers may use diapers (nappies) as a back-up in case of misses some or all of the time, or not at all. EC emphasizes communication between the caregiver and child, helping them both become more attuned to the child's innate rhythms and control of urination and defecation. The term "elimination communication" was inspired by traditional practices of diaper-less baby care in less industrialized countries and hunter-gatherer cultures.^[1] Some practitioners of EC begin soon after birth, the optimum window being zero to four months^[2], although it can be started with babies of any age. The practice can be done full time, part time, or just occasionally."

Elimination Communication has definitely changed our lifes for the better and after having gone through this experience with P. there is no way I would try anything different (I definitely would never consider traditional diapering). Although I have so much more to say regarding this method, I just wanted to describe what the road has been like for us. And although complete diaper independence is not the main goal of this process, it is I guess relevant to say that it took P. just over 1 full year to achieve it (from 3-4 months old to about 16 months old).

When we first started ECing I had no idea what I was getting into. I didn’t have any plans for it, and hadn’t even a clue what Diaper Free Babies were about.  When I had P., one of Rob's colleagues lent us a bunch of books on babies, one of which was Ingrid Bauer’s Natural Infant Hygene book. I started reading it out of curiosity while I breastfed, but hadn’t really planned to actually put it in practice. I thought that if this Natural Infant Hygene actually worked, I probably wouldn’t be able to do it anyway. 

Interestingly enough, my grandmother, who was born in 1914 in Mexico, had once mentioned to me that one of my aunts never had to wear diapers when she was a baby. She said her doctor had instructed her to pour water from a jug while she held her to make her go pee.  Honestly, when I heard this story I thought grandma was probably losing it. Perhaps she remembered things differently or perhaps I didn’t understand what she was saying. I was just very skeptical the whole time.

I read Bauer’s book and I found it very practical and it just made so much sense. I could even find myself thinking: “ohhhh so that’s why P. keeps doing that!” and just finding lots of “aha!” moments while reading the book. When I started putting all the tools in practice and I managed to catch one or two poops and pees throughout a day, I still thought it was probably some weird coincidence; it couldn’t possibly be working!!

As we continued on, I realized P. actually knew what he was doing. It was amazing. I could not believe how wrong I had been believing babies could not possibly know how to eliminate without a diaper, and I couldn’t believe how much wiser babies are than we usually give them credit for. I was overwhelmed by the closeness we were developing too by understanding each other so well at such a young age.

When P. was only a few months old and was peeing very often, I didn’t try too hard to catch the pees, unless it was after a nap or just casually whenever I got around to it. The poos were generally very easy to catch though, in the morning, after his naps, or after breastfeeding. My husband was very happy that it made the cloth diapering experience so much easier.

Before I knew it, we were on a path where there was no turning back. I couldn’t imagine not EC’ing my baby. Sometimes I felt overwhelmed when I missed a poo, and questioned the whole  method. However it would only take me a few seconds to realize I just couldn’t bring myself to give up EC anymore, knowing it was a better, more dignified,  and respectful (to the environment and the baby) method than traditional diapering.

I also kept reminding myself of the part of the book where Ingrid Bauer insists that EC should not become obsessive or a reason for parents to stress, and how there are enough challenges in parenting as to add yet another one. In hindsight, I think a key to the success in our communication has been trying hard to take this one step at a time, one day at a time, without expectations, just enjoying the process and valuing every catch as a success in itself. Being relaxed about it wasn’t so easy all the time, but I always liked to think about every miss as an opportunity that the baby didn’t take. As simple as that, and then move on.

In time, my baby’s pees started happening less frequently and we started catching those. We had a few regressions when P. learned to walk and was becoming so independent and excited to go wherever whenever he wanted, that he didn’t want anything to do with the potty. With some persistence but never pressuring or forcing him to go, he eventually started going bathroom reliably without any resistance.  Then I noticed that whenever we went out, he came back with a dry diaper and peed immediately after I removed his diaper to change him at home.

That’s when it all clicked, and now he is a full day- and night-time graduate.  Of course I am very proud that we have reached this point. But more than anything, I am happy that we decided to take on this less travelled road. It makes SO much more sense than traditional diapering. All the efforts throughout this journey have paid off in the biggest way, not in the number of diapers we have spared or on the number of catches we have had. But rather from recognizing the dignity of babies by honoring their capabilities and respecting the environment.

Despite all the good things about EC, there are a few points I want to mention regarding the realities of Elimination Communication:

• People who have an "obsessive" personality or who do not have the will power to be relaxed about this method and "let go" when things don't go as planned or seem to not be working out, should not practice this method. Babies should never be yelled at or even be given trouble for peeing or pooing in their clothes. These are babies, not robots, and it takes practice and time for them to learn. Although successes are nice, misses WILL happen and parents have to learn to just move on.
• Babies WILL pee and poo in their clothes while they are learning. Be prepared for lots of diaper/undie changes and the resulting laundry.
• Babies will have drawbacks and have phases where they seem to have lost interest or forget everything.
• There WILL be frustrating moments where you will question what the hell you are doing or why you started ECing in the first place. Hopefully these will only last seconds and then you will move on. Support from groups or even just reading others' experiences on the internet can be useful.
• People WILL think you are crazy and might even try to discourage you from pursuing the method by saying it is a lot of work. Some people are just not happy when somebody does things differently and it actually works. Also, guess what? relationships do require a lot of work!