New Baby Fears

The birth of our new little baby is near and this blog wouldn't be complete without a post on the things I fear at this stage of the game. It is strange to  think how something so exciting and wonderful can be scary at the same time. One difference I have noticed though between this pregnancy and last with Paulo, is that my fears are completely different. Of course the only one in common in both occasions is the fear that I will not have time for anything and "when will I have time to get things done??" . However, before Paulo I had no idea what this really meant (I could not even imagine what it would be like to ACTUALLY have no time); and as my sweet husband simply put it in pure mathematical terms, if you divide ZERO time by 2, it is still ZERO. This surprisingly does give me a bit of relief, ha!

 

 

But all jokes aside, I mostly remember being fearful of what kind of mother I would be once I had my baby. I remember dreaming horrible things like forgetting to change the baby's diaper for days, or forgetting to feed him until he became a tiny little microscopic creature (freaky!!) or crying over something I had screwed up in my dream. I was just so scared that I wasn't up for the challenge. In that respect, this time around I have no fear at all. In any case, that is one of the only things I feel confident about-- knowing exactly what kind of mother I am (for the most part, anyway), what kind of mother I want to be and more or less what it takes to become that (in theory anyways). I feel pretty certain that this baby will have all the love in the world and though I may be imperfect (very imperfect sometimes), my love and the love of our family and those who surround us should help us give this baby a very happy life.
 

That being said, one always fears the unknown and as such, this time I have a very concrete list of what I am affraid of for the future.

FEARS

 

1. One that is just hanging off the top of my head is around night time dynamics. Specifically Paulo's current bedtime routine. Not only does the little guy want ME (not daddy) to put him in bed every night, but I actually have to lie  with him for sometimes up to 1 hour until he falls asleep. If I try sneaking away while is still not fully asleep, he will grab me and literally tell me to put my head on the pillow, and we start over again. What is worse, for the last month or two he has gotten into the habit of waking up in the middle of the night, EVERY SINGLE NIGHT to wake me up and pull me over to his bed. Once I get there I am too tired to wait for him to fall back to sleep, so I just end up staying in his bed for the rest of the night. This, however, is not going to be possible once the baby is born and I am not sure how that is going to work....

 

2.  Another sort of general fear is how our family dynamics will change. I know that when Paulo was born I was expecting Rob's and I's marriage dynamics to change. But this time there is 3 of us whose world is about to be rocked, and I am just a bit conerned that now Rob will have to be a lot more involved in the hands-on parenting role, how Paulo will react to not being the "center of the universe" anymore, and how well I will cope with the two kids while Rob is busy at work. This last part takes me to the next fear.

 

 

3. The fear of being a full-time, stay at home mom. When I had Paulo in 2010, I went on Maternity Leave for 12 months as is the norm here in Alberta/Canada. Man, that year was tough!! Of course I was a first time mom and I think that adds a whole other level of difficulty to the game. But being a full-time mom, a stay at home mom, is such a hard job! At times I felt so isolated and so alone, overwhelmed and helpless whenever Paulo cried to the top of his lungs for no apparent reason , and felt so exhausted whenever Rob was away on a work trip and I was stuck with this new baby 24/7 all by myself, especially since I had almost no family here. Having gone back to work, although it was only part-time, made things so much easier for me in that sense. And although I do wish that I was able to stay at home and take care of Paulo myself, I do recognize that getting out every day, talking to other adults and having some ME time (even if it is work), is so much easier than taking care of a child all day. This time though, I will be staying at home with the little ones for at least a few years, until they are old enough to go to school and we can AFFORD for me to go back to work (well, this is really only one reason to stay at home and hot the most important one for me, but go into detail for now).  Although I do believe that kids give you an instant connection to other moms and they really push you to go out, do things and meet other moms/kids, I am a little worried of what my life will be like this time around.

4. One not-so-terrible fear is wondering if I will have the time to dedicate to this baby as much time and energy as I did with Paulo. Just reading this line out loud almost makes me want to laugh at the obvious answer. Of course this poor baby just won't have that same privilege. But to what extent? With Paulo I really made an effort to give him everything I had to give him all my attention and to develop his mind and body as much as possible. I read a lot on what stage of development he was supposed to be in, and came up with all kinds of activities for him, including taking him to swim classes, etc. Now I fear that time will slip by and I won't have time to try as hard to teach baby new skills. I hope this does not stay as a worry and I can actually come up with ways to teach this baby as much as I did Paulo.

5. My last fear is I think related to my 2nd and 3rd fear, and that is losing my personal identity a little. I definitely felt that the first year with Paulo. I think it is so difficult to keep life balanced and not get completely sucked into the mom life 100%. I acknowledge this is easier done by some mom's than others. But to put it in Rob's words, I am very "mom centric", my children are definitely my number 1 priority and it actually takes me some effort to dedicate time to my hobbies, my friends, and even my health because I am so focused on what my kids and family "need". So alhtough I think it might be hard to step out of the house and leave dad with both kiddos and say "good luck and see ya later!", for my own sake and my family's I hope I'll get better at that. Who knows, maybe with 2 kids I will be screaming for this! ha!

I am glad to see that all my fears could be narrowed down to only 5. And thank goodness, none of these fears are anything really serious. I imagine most people share at least some of these and they just have to cope. So, in a sense, I find some relief in thinking these issues will have to sort themselves out, one way or another... we will find out soon!